The Road -Cormac McCarthy

World War Z -Max Brooks

The Stand -Stephen King

Oryx and Crake -Margaret Atwood

A Canticle for Leibowitz -Walter M. Miller Jr.

I Am Legend -Richard Matheson

Wastelands -John Joseph Adams

Earth Abides -George R. Stewart

Good Omens -Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman

Alas, Babylon -Pat Frank

On The Beach -Nevil Shute

Parable of the Sower -Octavia E. Butler

The Children of Men -P.D. James

Dear customer shopping around 7:00 today,

You may think you are well read but loudly mocking other books/authors to your freakishly tall friend makes you a pretentious ass. You want me to help you find a book about the apocalypse? That’s fine, I’m here to help and have a few suggestions. Don’t look so surprised that multiple other people have asked that very same question. All of them did it with more tact and grace than you could ever possess. You’ve read “The Road”. Who hasn’t? It’s a goddamn movie now. While my coworker is looking for a post apocalyptic novel for you in scifi, do not quiz me on my reading habits. I don’t like to be quizzed. Yes, I have read David Foster Wallace. No, that question had nothing to do with the situation at hand. Yes, you are standing too close to me.

Next time you want help finding a book understand that we need help too. “The Apocalypse” is a broad topic. There are books in scifi, horror, general fiction, metaphysics, mystery, etc. I do not want to google things for you when you glare at every suggestion I have made so far. Next time come in with a title. We’ll even order it for you. For now, just try googling “personal space”.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Oh God, writing my novel. How can a phrase sound so pretentious and so pathetic at the same time?

Like any writer I have the voice in my head telling me everything I write is garbage; horrible, putrid, already been written with more impressive language/technique, slow moving, flat character filled garbage. I have written for creative writing classes at Michigan State University, written bits of stories for myself that never seem to get finished, and blogged here on a completely random basis. I still haven’t figured out how to merge my “writing voice” with that terribly cruel voice in my head, telling me I can’t do it in such matter of fact tones I can’t help but believe. So here, I am showing both voices.

How terribly original.

Shut up.

Dear reader, if you don’t like the italics you can fuck off. Writing is difficult and one of the things I excel at is dragging myself down and becoming a sad little heap, an unshowered lump watching episodes of NCIS I have already seen. For some reason the mean voice wants me to stay on the couch. Maybe if I let it out here it will seem weaker. Maybe I will seem insane or cliche ridden and give up in a week. Maybe it will make someone else feel bad about everything they try to accomplish and leave me alone long enough to write a complete story.

Unlikely, since no one will read this. Also you have a couple of run-on sentences and are lucky this blog does spell check for you. Excel with 2 “l” ‘s, really?

Back to my novel. I have an idea (always a good start), but it is more plot driven than character driven. When reading, I prefer character driven novels, but they aren’t what I seem to write. Odd, but hopefully with experience I can change my style and have a little of both. The novel takes place in the future.

Writing as if the novel already exists, nice trick. You have, maybe, 2,000 words.

It is difficult to write with a voice interrupting you. From now on let’s ignore those negative comments, okay? Where was I?

This is my struggle. I have trouble writing a story when I don’t know how it ends. I could start writing anyway and see where it takes me. But for some reason I don’t like that idea. So instead I sit and plan out the world in great detail and then do nothing with it.

And that’s stupid.

One of the few times I agree with the voice. So here is my to do list for today:

• Type up the handwritten story I have so far. Don’t judge it too harshly.
• Add to it – no matter how few words.
• Write up all possible endings and what each would represent because obviously this story is saying something about America today.

Three things is a lot. You should be so intimidated by this list. And you are a terrible typist. The first bullet point will take you over an hour. Just turn on the tv…”Law and Order” is on somewhere.

I will update tomorrow on how far into the list I get. Too bad the voice is getting to me already.

-Kelly

“Welcome to the Jungle” redone as “Welcome to Toronto”. Enjoy.

(check out the original lyrics here)

Welcome to Toronto

We got hockey games

We got all the snow you want

Honey we know the names

We are the people who are kind

Whenever you come near

If you got no money honey

You’ll get yours for free

Chorus:

In Toronto

Welcome to Toronto

Watch it bring you it’s Maple shun,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n Leafs, Leafs

You can watch them bleed

Welcome to Toronto

We’re happy every day

If you want it they’re gonna bleed

But it’s the price they pay

And you’re a Canadian girl

That’s very hard to please

You can take the bright lights

Don’t turn them off; it’s too scary

In Toronto

Welcome to Toronto

Feel my, my, my downhill skis

You gotta touch them, please

Welcome to Toronto

It is great here everyday

You gotta learn a little French

In Toronto, s’il vous plaît

If you got a hunger for what you see

You’ll get it eventually

You can have everything you want

I’l give it to you for free 

Chorus

And when you’re here you never

Ever want to go down, back down, back down, so down YEAH!

You know where you are

You’re in Toronto baby

It’s pretty fly

In Toronto

Welcome to Toronto

Watch it bring you it’s Maple shun,n,n,n,n,n,n,n Leafs, Leafs

In Toronto

Welcome to Toronto

Feel my, my, my downhill skis

In Toronto

Welcome to Toronto

Watch it bring you it’s Maple shun,n,n,n,n,n,n,n Leafs, Leafs

In Toronto

Welcome to Toronto

We will bring you tasty

We’re gonna bring you beer!

Yeah!

Some are clever and try to trick me with subjects that could be applicable to my life/career (or lack thereof):

me                                        Training time changed                                Jun 11

dennis                                  i cannot get ahold of you?                        Jun 11

me                                         Invitation to conference                            Jun 10

Anthony McWhorter         Job opportunities still available              Jun 10

me                                         Article about our company                       Jun 9

me                              >From Alice, training                                  May 31

About half are the usual celebrity scandals/cheap drugs/luxury watches/online graduate degrees, but some great ones are mixed in:

jdepaul03 gave me some advice in May,

jdepaul03                           Don’t be a moron!                                       May 22

But pjdias76 doesn’t seem to think I followed it,

pjdias76                      You’re a moron.                                            Jun 11

And then there are all of the emails from “me”, giving me fabulously useful information:

me                                        Second internet!                                           Jun 14

This is great news, the first internet is going downhill fast. Seeing as I don’t remember the success in my search for the phantom second internet I’m really glad I emailed myself a reminder.

me                                        It’s your enemy writing                             May 21

This news is not so great, to be my own enemy? But I was so helpful with the internet discovery! Where did I go wrong?

me                                       Don’t download zip files                            May 24

Well this one is nicer, a kind warning to help me keep my computer protected from those dangerous internet predators, they’ve probably infiltrated the second internet too. Damn.

me                                       F-cking fill this form                                  Jun 8

Oh, I must have a split personality issue. I’ll have to look into this problem. I seem to have some other problems too – a friend shows signs of having gone missing:

Lachelle Haubner            It’s me, any information about Mike.    May 12

me                                       Where is your friend Mike?                       May 22

Missing for 10 days! Poor Mike, if only I knew who he was maybe I could have helped him.

me                                         List of conditions                                        Jun 6

Or maybe if I had checked my spam box sooner I would have gotten this list of conditions and my enemy would have let Mike go free.

me                                         Click or cats gonna die                             Jun 12

It turns out Mike was a feline friend. RIP good buddy.

As entertaining as all of these are, I prefer those who are willing to tell me the truth:

jwire2000                           Why lie? I need money.                              Jun 6

Same here, jwire2000, same here.

Searching in the science/biotechnology section this is what I found:

“Looking for a physicist that could help me put the binding on my invention idea. Knowledge of solid state physics and light/matter interaction required. 

I am trying to harness the energy differences on an atomic scale. In a body at temperature K there is still many perturbation in energy, some of which 

are possible to harvest. I need someone who could nail down the technicalities; my idea is solid. Also, the proper materials have to be found. Vibronic transitions are very important in this work.”

I can ignore the poster neglecting to give precise details (K is a unit of temperature, you need to include a number too), because I imagine this guy thinks multiple government agencies (international and possibly intergalactic) are out to steal his “invention idea”. And I am more curious about how the “proper materials” are to be found. Not purchased, found. I can picture it now, in the dead of night two shadowy figures patrol the local junkyards carrying homemade flashlights crafted lovingly by the poster of this job.

Incidentally, I did a little research and learned vibronic transitions are transitions involving a change in both vibrational and electronic quantum numbers of a molecular entity. Vibr + onic = vibronic, making new words in the name of science is fun! This seems like a lot of knowledge to expect from someone who would only be paid dividends on the patent.

—

“I need a biochemist to make a few compounds for my company. 

Some of these compounds have never been made before or have little written up on them but I will split the profits with who ever can make them for me. 

This is a gold mine waiting to be exploited. 

Please email me if you have skills in this field and would like to make a some money. 

Only people with serious back ground and chemistry skills can be accepted.”

            This post is even shadier. At least the first guy used scientific jargon and hinted at what he was planning. This poster wants unheard of (and apparently unmentionable) chemical compounds. I am going to assume he also needs to find the proper materials although I’m not going to give him the ability to make his own flashlight. He seems more the type to buy chemicals out of the back of a truck. Plus, when I got to the “make a some money” part I read the rest of the post in the voice of Luigi from the Simpsons and I wouldn’t trust his chemical formulas any day.